4 Secret steps to fix a marriage to help you see the light at the end of the tunnel

Is your relationship slipping away — ready for rebuilding?

And, that light at the end of the tunnel won’t be a freight train! No, the light at the end of the tunnel is a little something called “Re-framing the relationship.” It is the key to fixing a marriage from the get go!

Start with Time and Friendship: My early years were filled with good counsel and wisdom from my folks, and when I say folks… I mean both my parents and grandparents. You will get some of this wisdom from the old country repackaged just for you.

Why? Because I want you to know why “Re-framing the relationship” is so important to anyone’s goal to fix a marriage.

So, I will never forget one slice of wisdom that my grandmother shared with me when she gave me a ride to see Sarah, who at that time was my girlfriend.

She said with a bit of a playful smirk, “You know the one gift that is the most important gift you could ever give some one you love”?

“No Mam” I quickly replied.

“Time” she said smartly. “Once you give it, you can’t get it back. And, you discover who your friends are when they freely give you their time–And, friendship is at the root of that time well spent.”

I am thankful that she gave of her own time so I could see Sarah, when I was home on Leave from the US Army. That was over 12 years ago. I have never forgotten that tid-bit of wisdom. And, I am glad to pass it on to you… And it is the crux of this whole thing that you are reading.

But, I have to start by quickly making sure you are here for time well spent with the intention of making real change that will get your spouse’s attention and trust back. If you’re after tips that don’t solve a problem at the root of it, then come back when you are ready.

Are you with me? Good. Let’s not waste a moment shooting the breeze. As you read, I will unveil 4 secret steps to reconciling with your spouse that heal broken relationships. So let’s get started.

Step 1 – Re-frame your relationship. Reconciliation is found where two people meet under the same frame of acceptance. Together they will make any change needed to fix the relationship.

But in order to get there… I have a question for you.

Do you remember your spouse as the friend they once were, and could be in the future?  Friendship memories can be just the thing that is needed when trying to fix a marriage. It can be your advantage over anyone else in the same situation.

One thing that I try to impress upon couples in shattered relationships is that they should try to arouse past feelings of friendship together.  And, I try to have them remember those things that their mate did that captivated his or her heart.

Step 2 – Start at Friendship Level. If you can be on a friendship level together (even for just a tiny melt-down in the marriage), then you have a foundation to rebuild your relationship together as well! It can start one step at a time with strategic steps of

  1. Take a step back
  2. Give just enough room for you mate to clear their head (this is for you too)
  3.  Write down all of the root causes of the things that drive a wedge in your relationship
  4. Collect memories and keepsakes that can help both of you connect to the best of your past
  5. Be only as close or as distant with your spouse as is needed to make your spouse see your relationship as it can become
  6. Make your goal be the renewal of friendship and intimacy of your marriage

One way of looking at it is this — Many marriages that are not very intimate can get shaky and fall to pieces with only one of life’s minor storms to blow against it. Intimate marriages can withstand many hurricane force winds, back to back!

If your spouse opens their heart enough to accept those strategic steps made by you in hopes of reconciliation then you can start to rebuild.

Personally, my faith in God plays a big part in this in my marriage. And, I have hope for a stronger relationship with my wife because of how she has the same belief in her life as well.

Step 3 – Understand your mate. Ask yourself, “What makes my spouse tick… and why”?

This re-framing method helps you to overcome any incompatibilities or differences with your mate. It is a good thing to remove those things that prevent the two of you from having an intimate marriage. Knowing who your spouse is as a person can uncover the reasons why they do those things they do that may drive you crazy.

Want to know how to do it?  Good! If you are at least at the friendship stage of fixing your marriage, then you are golden to go forward. First, despite the fact that you may already know the answer, ask him or her how they grew up communicating with others.  Let him or her open up about his or her experiences with others.

That will grant you an all access pass to understanding where they are coming from when they say or do something that Urks you to no end.

Also, get the skinny on how their childhood was while growing up. No, I mean it find out about if their family communicated and showed love well. Discover if he or she felt loved, understood, and cared for, or Not. Find out those things that your mate hated in life and said, “I will never be like so-and-so….”, or

“I will never do “blank”, like so-and-so….”

That kinda stuff. Why? Because if you are doing “blank” like so-and-so, then you are committing a cardinal sin in their book, and you won’t know why.

Besides, if there was an emotional trauma that you are unknowingly triggering, then you could be causing him or her emotional stress that can ruin your relationship, and you won’t know why. Finding out these things is so important to having a happy, healthy, resentment free marriage — All while you get to be the one who comforts and counsels him or her to make peace.

They will make peace with their past and you all at the same time!

Step 4 – Practice the pause. All too often a knee-jerk reaction based on the hurts of the past is the reaction we show to our spouse. Take a pause first before you react out of hand. It allows you to think about who your spouse is as a person before you speak, and to pray too! Then you will best be able to see the real issue instead of allowing a hurt to make you say and do those things that tear apart the relationship.

Take this step to the next level. Give this transformation process the time to really take hold.

You may need that time to safely unfold and heal layers of hurt. It won’t always be easy, but trust me it is worth it! Working through that pain together might be an answer to prayer.

Bring it on home.

Start to put in to practice re-framing the relationship, Starting at Friendship Level, Understanding your mate, and Practicing the pause. When you understand and use these savvy ways of re-framing your relationship, and caring for your spouse, then you can gain your spouse’s love and trust again one step at a time. The best part is that these steps can also be used to prevent relationship melt-downs that often get way out of hand.

Please share your thoughts on this message by leaving your comment – who knows your insights might save someone’s marriage let alone saving your own!

 

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  1. [...] Originally Posted by heavensangel Wow! Exactly what I needed to hear & when I needed to hear it. Thank you too, being a relatively new member of this site (just a few days), It's been a little disappointing to find there's not a whole lot of positive postings, comments, feedback, etc. Pretty scary to say the least! In war and its aftermath it is difficult to feel positive about those things that were fought over, hurt by, and… It is difficult to feel positive about those people that meant so much in their marriage, and hurt them just as much. We have all been hurt in the past, especially by those we love the most. It is important not to see those that hurt you as enemies (as much as humanly possible, but, with God nothing is impossible), but as people who who for one reason or another deserve our prayers and long-suffering care and attention. This is a complicated thing and it is difficult to explain it succinctly, but I will try. I have learned to pause and ask God for His grace to help me not harbor any injury from my wife, but instead to "Let Go and Let God" as it were. That means that I forgive ASAP, and try to ask the right questions, hold judgement, and try to help my wife when I feel hurt by her. It takes practice… I have to integrate it into every facet of our marriage relationship, cuz… things seldom stay happy long in my marriage. I suspect that in general most marriages are the same in that aspect. But with trust in Jesus, love, and understanding most storms can be weathered and trust increased in the end. This has been on my mind so much that I recently wrote about it in my blog, you can find out more here: Understanding backs up love and trust [...]

  2. [...] that trust and commitment is restored, fully. To help you out, I recently wrote this blog post on 4 secrets of re-framing a relationship and re-building trust. It is serious, but also has a surprise story about another Christian man you may have heard of. [...]

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