One Flesh RD

“One Flesh”




7 Must Have Secrets of Biblical Wisdom for husbands


Who love their wives as Christ loved the church,


But still need the know-how and tools to jump start


To once and for all END rejection in the bedroom


Her Desire for Intimacy –


And, become One Flesh for good!


[I would delete “1














[Suggestions for Deletion = green; for New = red]


My Promise to You


When are is a Christian wives wife the most attracted to their her Godly Christian husbands husband?


When he consistently steps up to the plate and leads as the spiritual head of the family.


I will give to you the “ABCs” of how you can make her attracted to you more and more when you lead


her with a confidence that causes her to admire and respect you. Deep inside your soul God placed a


visionary’s heart deep inside of your soul. This heart is the hidden inspiration that drives you to be a


leader and protector over your wife and family.


Really, visionary leadership is easy. It is the reason “Why!”


Why you work the long hours you work.


Why she or you do anything of any consequence in your marriage. It is the purpose you seek to fulfill


in making your goals a reality both of you can share together.


Ignoring that inner prompting to step up as a visionary leader of your family is to miss the mark that


God has set for all men. The post-modern world we live in does not hold to any set standards and


manhood has suffered.


In moments of silence and contemplation the immature misfit, and the emasculated guy realizes that


there is more to life that he is being missed missing.


The intimate reason why


The intimate reason why you should be a visionary leader for your marriage, a leader who crafts a


vision that she can rely on and respect , has everything to do with a deep psychological need God


placed in her mind and emotions. Deeply engrained by God’s design, she has a need to know and feel


a sense of security in her life. Your visionary plan will supply her confidence and relief in that need. I


will greatly expand on this technique further in the beginning of Chapter 3: Be the Best “You” that you


can be and make sure she sees that reality.


The High Calling of God


This course would be in vain if it were not premised on the Godly work that faith in Jesus does for


a man’s heart as described in Philippians 3 and 4. Many selections from Philippians 3 and 4 are the


basis for the ability any Godly man has in order to be truly successful in his life—And, in his marriage


relationship with his wife. A man of God leads a life of spiritual victory… a life that is built on a heart




“Stands fast in one spirit, with one mind, striving together for the faith of the gospel”


(Philippians 2:27b), and that “stands fast in the Lord” (Philippians 4:1b)


Is a heart that is humble “in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves”


(Philippians 3:3b)


As a man who’s whose heart “works out” his “own salvation with fear and trembling”


(Philippians 3:12b)


A life built on “faith of Christ, the righteousness which is of God by faith” (Philippians 3:9b)


A heart that knows Christ and “the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His


sufferings, being made comfortable unto His death” (Philippians 3:10)


A life that will “press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus”


(Philippians 3:14)


The Real man you were created to be seizes this motivation and work of the Holy Spirit in his heart,


and grows in wisdom and stature as Jesus did as a young man. Jesus was a leader who taught and led


with authority. You can lead and teach with authority as a visionary leader and protector as well. The


attitude that will make your visionary leadership believable and successful is the attitude of love that is


built on your faith in Christ Jesus alone.


In Chapter 1 I will dig deeper into the visionary leadership Jesus portrayed perfectly in His advent,


resurrection, and coming return as reigning King and Judge of Heaven and Earth.


So, press on in the encouragement given by the Holy Spirit through Paul as Ephesians continues:


“Rejoice in the Lord always” (Philippians 4:4a)


“Let your moderation”–(or graciousness)—“be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. “Be


careful for nothing”—(or anxious, or worrisome)—“about nothing; but in everything by prayer


and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace


of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ


Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever


things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever, things are lovely, whatsoever things


are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”


(Philippians 4:5-8)


This is the power of God in the life of a Godly husband. You can be that Godly husband for her—


through the power of the Holy Spirit that comes by spending time “renewing your mind” in the word of


God, and through a life dedicated to communion with God.




Love is a choice.


Love is a choice of sacrifice for the benefit of someone else. A car needs to first slow down and even


possibly come to a halt before it can make a sharp U-turn. The inner drive to do what is best for #1 will


not be able to love if it is not first slowed down, halted, and made to head in a new direction. True love


for your wife is not possible unless these road rules are followed. If these rules are ignored then any


attempt to love your wife will spin out of control and be perceived as a self-serving trick.


And, when you step up to the plate and lead as a loving visionary leader and protector—your wife can


let go and feel secure in her life. Emerson Eggerichs, of the “Love and Respect” series of books, did


the research that has taught the world for years now that the majority of women (72%) react negatively


when they do not feel loved. That reaction could be perceived as disrespect for himself by her husband.


She will most likely react less often with this negative behavior when she feels loved, and is inspired to


join you in life as a team.


You, satisfied and fulfilled as a man


One Flesh intimacy is not really about sex, although it is certainly a big part of it. In the core of your


being—you fear being disrespected and feeling rejection when your wife gives you “Wife” excuses for


why she will not be intimate with you.


She is a different creature than you are. (Vive le ‘difference!) Your loving wife needs, wants and


deserves SPECIAL AFFECTION that only comes from giving of your time to be alone with her maybe


more often than you think to give it to her.


60% or more marriages end in divorce and the rate is not different for Christian marriages. The


number-one reason given by divorcing women—“he just didn’t pay enough attention to me anymore.”


This journey is about how to approach your wife, build intimacy and love feelings that lead to love


making both of you can come to count on—without feeling rejected by the other and without the fear of


the marriage collapsing before your eyes.


The satisfaction of you and your wife’s need and desire for strong and uniting intimacy is the goal of


“One Flesh.” It is my personal mission in this course to give you more than just a blue print, and a stepby-step formula to unlock your wife’s desire for you again.


This is a treatise of transformation. Transformation will more than just help you feel like you can


breathe easier, be yourself, and feel admired by your wife and family. A good loving Christian husband


earns that well enough when he cherishes and honors his wife and family with all his heart.


Prepare to be transformed by the “renewing of your mind” in the scriptures I will use, and in the


inspiring instruction, and “Visionary Leadership” vision worksheets you put into action through


various practical exercises (including advanced suggestions for getting hormonal screenings from your


doctor, and even Christian emotional counseling in case intimacy is a deeper problem than building


romance in your marriage.


Will that make you her hero? Ah, I guarantee it.


All of this will all come together for victory in your marriage that is pure because you will follow…


Romans 12:2


King James Version (KJV)


2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that


ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.


Navigating your way through rebuilding intimacy with your wife can all get confusing and overwhelm


you like being swept in raging flooded river with perils around every bend. That is the way it felt to me


over the years of marriage.


I tried many techniques, read books, and practiced getting an understanding of the way my own wife


works. I realized that God made men and women different and success in marriage is tied to your


willingness to grow in maturity in the word of God, and in faith in Jesus Christ as a man and having the


guts to make it impact other’s deeply. I believe that you are such a man.


The power of the Word of God, the wisdom of these tips and this whole course is the top performance


rescue boat with twin outboard motors and all the tools to get across a harsh wet and dangerous enemy


filled jungle swamp of marriage troubles to get you to the Promised Land. That Promised Land is


the place where you can be all you can be as a man. It is a place where you can completely share in


intimacy with your wife. So, get yourself ready to jump aboard the Rescue Boat, and I will be the fire


team leader that serves as captain on that journey.


And, along the way of that journey–on top of the Bible lessons–I will introduce you to some nonBiblical characters that inspired me growing up that made being visionary leaders seems as easy as




The hazards of not understanding your wife-as God made her to be


Here’s a hint… the keys to her desire for intimacy with you lie deeper in her mind than her feelings of


love for you (which, you already have cultivated in her, we’ll do a short review of all that). There is a


distinction between love and desire in her. Her love for you can be at an all time peak, but she may not


connect those feelings with intimate desire for you.


That does not mean that for her, love and desire are not connected. Your sincere use of what I will


share with you will take you on the path to her desire—keys to the gate of her desire in hand.


God wonderfully made her as a whole person.


She is “His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained


that we should walk in them” as stated in Ephesians 2:10. There are many verses by Peter and Paul that


tells the wife to respect her husband and that you are to love your wife.


The seminal verse that underpins the entirety of this complete teaching series on gaining maximum


respect and devotion from your Godly wife: “Love Your Wife As Christ Loved the Church” is tied to


your level of commitment to sacrifice your life in both practical, emotional, relational, and personal




Ephesians 5:22-33


King James Version (KJV)


22 “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.


For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the




saviour of the body.


24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in




25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;


26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,


27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such


thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.




So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.




For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord


the church:




For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.




For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and


they two shall be One Flesh (emphasis mine).


32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.


33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife


see that she reverence her husband.”


And, 1 Peter 3:7 the verse that makes the command for respect in a marriage to be a two


way street


King James Version (KJV)


“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with [them] according to knowledge, giving honour unto the


wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your


prayers be not hindered.”


There is no way around that for both her and you. However, both love and respect are choices that we


make towards others. If she is not showing you the respect you desire, then it is up to you to love her in


a way that will meet her needs where ever she is at in her life.


I know that that is hard to hear. If there is a need to understand how a husband should love his


wife even though she fails to submit or respect him, then it is crucial that love be applied on an


unconditional basis.


You are a Godly man, but at the same time you are also a man that God has designed to want human


connection, intimacy and respect from his wife. It is not good for you to feel alone—especially in your


own marriage with your wife.


The key to her desire for you that are already in your hand is your leadership. Better put, your


leadership is your protective love over her.


The true mark of a loving Christian husband


So, if you follow the instructions of this course you will become the man that she looks to for romance


and satisfaction. Because, in addition to being her good loving Christian husband, you will know


exactly how to provide that sense of security she craves through creating easy to understand and follow


“Godly vision statements”—And, you will discover what to do and say to make your wife want you…


And, turn around any old bitterness, anger and frustration.


This is life. Live this, and be who God made you to be. That is the charge you took up and placed upon


yourself when you said, “I do.”


So, display your leadership with confidence using the loving techniques I share with you, and they will


spark that hidden desire for you.


That is the point of this entire book and course. If you lead in loving her for the sake of her own well


being and that of the marriage, then you will effectively earn the full-on intimate respect you desire.


Even though in the prior exercises you have done actions that have started to win her respect, “full-on”


loving headship through both traits and actions have not been established. I plan to fully establish those


traits and actions in this book. That is what will knit her heart to yours, and awaken her sleeping sexual


desire for you as her Godly man.


Of course, you want your godly wife to want you today, tomorrow, and




For that to become a reality in the easiest and fastest way you need to follow these steps that produce


strength of character, while using wise strategies found in a Godly understanding of the way God


made her mind to work—that He placed there so she could see her own husband (you) as irresistibly


attractive to her. God placed a deep motivation that carries His requirement of her to respect her


husband. Her respect in action becomes the intimacy that you seek.


You are almost there. This is because over the past ________ weeks you have implemented the secrets




“Front Door Respect” (i.e. regaining her acceptance)


“Character driven Trust in the “Man Up” report that creates proof of your credibility


“Re-engaged her with Conversation”, and primed her through…


“Fore-Play Anticipation Romance dates”.


These turn around any emotional hurt or roadblocks that keep her set against being intimate with you.


This book is all about pulling those trainings into your end result. And, because we have laid out all


that groundwork we can start right off on making her want you with intense desire again. To start


using this counsel and techniques without first solidifying trust in you by her could end in you misusing


“One Flesh” for manipulative purposes. Please do not use this material for evil. Nuff said.


Christian principles of marriage AND no guilt Christian strategies of


attraction–with a laser focus on Intimacy


I will show you what to say, and do (through action task worksheets) and how to say and do those


things that turn on her desire for you like a light bulb. Other “get ex back” or make your wife want


you again products do not both offer the Christian principles of marriage AND no guilt Christian


psychological strategies of attraction with a laser focus on Intimacy. Finally, with each opportunity that


prevents itself… captivate your wife and never be turned down another night again without a real


good reason – or I’ll give you your money back for this course. Guaranteed!


Because… she will not only love you—she will respect you!


That respect, coupled with the love you show her will result in having an intimate satisfaction in your


marriage for both you and her. Start this new and incredibly easy journey to building a Happy and


Successful INTIMATE Relationship with your wife when you start Chapter 1 of “One Flesh” that


prepares you to jump on that intimacy rescue boat.


Ch 1 – Secret #1 Small Beginnings from a Big Vision


The dropping sun was covered by dark thickly packed cedar scrub and dry southwestern “Texas Live


Oak” trees amidst hilly thickets and briars. The red brilliance of the sunset took the young soldier’s


breath away. A crimson sunset’s last gleaming was fading into the darkness of the coming dawn.


A brisk chill was beginning to set over the cloudless sky above his head at Ft Hood Texas. The colors


“Red” and “Black” of the evening sky stirred and inspired the soldier deep in his mind as he pushed on


through yet another ARMY training exercise.


But, this time was different from the rest. Even though he was becoming cold, and hungry from a full


day of Army fire squad maneuvers… His time had come to lead the squad.


We will join him now as silent observers of this pivotal time of his life, and collect the choicest of


lessons learned that create breakthroughs for personal success in your marriage. I speak of the kind of


success that creates an incredible intimate life that you share with your wife.


Now starts the journey, in which nothing will ever be the same.


Our soldier wasn’t even supposed to ever join the Army. He was supposed to be an art prodigy that


would revolutionize the art world. His innovative art used strong contrasting primary colors (red, blue,


and yellow) to depict mind bending stories on canvas; that when viewed with 3D glasses would pop out


to reveal the depth of the meaning of the painting.


Don’t laugh just yet. It was fun to make and fun to do. However, this fact always lingered over him


when he tried to take on the role of leadership in the Army. Art had to wait and leadership had to take


the front seat.


Still, he is a little unsure that he is doing this right since it is his first time as fire-squad leader on any


training exercise.


After a quick survey of the ambush zone, he has assigned all of his squad their firing positions. He


selects a point position for himself. All fields of fire intersect on the avenue of approach he has selected


after determining the movements of the enemy squad he intends to ambush and capture.


All that is left is for everyone in the fire team to settle into their firing positions… and… wait. A quick


bite to eat satisfied each of their hunger, but it didn’t satisfy his sense of loneliness that chilled him


deeper in his core than the cold of the twilight that is part of the Texas wilderness.


“No sign yet of the enemy squad.” he thinks to himself.


A quiet “Coms” check establishes radio contact with the command TOC.


It is time to signal the “All Clear” to his hidden band of pretend assassins. Everything is in place for the


soldier in training. The signal is given for all squad team members to place their individual weapons


from safe, to fire ready.


The enemy in this training exercise is still nowhere in sight. The soldier’s thoughts now turn from


detecting the enemy he was supposed to ambush.


As quietly as he could he rummaged through his cargo pocket for something important. He could


tell that the rummaging noises were pissing off his fire team members—all quiet was the operating


procedure. It didn’t take long to jot down some quick ideas.


The dark coldness of that night starts to make it hard to write. That’s OK. Only he can ever read his


handwriting anyway. Only a brief moment was afforded to write down the first verse of that heart song


that ran deep from a man who waited long to win the heart of the woman he loved—


Memories of her last goodbye before he left to join the Army replaced memories of his heckler friends


who gave him 2 weeks, tops—before he would be sent home.


“We’ll make it easy for you to get out…” they taunted.


“You’ll get a new subscription to PLAY GIRL magazine as soon as we can get it to you.”


Thank goodness it never came for “mail call.” He wouldn’t have made it to Sergeant’s School if they


had made good on their funny little threat to get him kicked out of the Army.


Instead, the result was the course you read before you right now. It was birthed on that night, on his


green pocket sized sheet of notebook paper.


I was that soldier. I still am… in a sense. That cold November night at Ft. Hood Texas PLDC training


center of 2001, just after the 9-11 attacks was the first time I jotted down a tiny fragment of an idea that


would become my marriage’s first vision statement. You will become the success of that night too!


It had been almost two months since I had left for PLDC, a leadership training academy for soldiers


on their way to becoming Sergeants. I was engaged in the training exercises for combat readiness as a




3 years before the time of first writing out a vision for my marriage on that green pocket notebook,


God had given me an open vision that caused me to join the Army, and learn leadership principles in


the first place. That little detail was my secret. I didn’t want to scare off the woman I love and whom


I would marry by admitting that to her until we were serious about making a life together. And, it was


those changes in me from my time in the Army that did the most to make Sarah fall in love with me—


beyond mere friendship.


At that time, in that ambush nest, I was so homesick. When I had time to stop, and think about her


I wanted to be in the future with her. I was alone with my thoughts in that ambush position, dug in


behind a densely packed forest knoll.


At that moment when everything was set in place for the ambush—faint starlight made the prickly,


dry canyon terrain feel even more dead, and lonely than when the sun scorched it. Dryer still was the


uneasiness and tension I felt with one of my squad members.


I could feel Specialist Jackson’s un-approving eyes try to stare through me. I ignored it. Then there


were glances my way from him. Still no response from me. It was clear though that shortly I needed to


put away my notepad. There was no reason to be writing anything at that time. I wasn’t going to say


anything and neither was anyone else.


Even when it wasn’t Specialist Jackson’s turn to be the squad leader he would butt in, because he knew


better than you, or so he thought.


He made it his job to pick out the soldier in training that was struggling the most and put him down so


he could show everybody the right way to do it. He was an opportunist and a show off. I secretly hoped


that someone would pull the Play Girl subscription prank on him, and make him the laughing stock on


the Academy. No luck there. Loving my enemy was something I had to pray for help from God.


Oh, Jackson was flawless at the technical precision of carrying out military tasks alright. But he was a


dumb, dumb of a leader of soldiers. On several occasions we got into it with each other. No one came


away from the arguments better than before the argument started. All that it created was an emotional


undertow of conflict between he and I. We exchange backwards glances with each other. I can tell he is


quietly judging every move I make in this apparently staid atmosphere.


On the other hand, Specialist Smitty (as he was known to all) was both an inspirational leader, who was


both technically, and tactically skillful on top of being a motivational leader. To top it all off he was


funny and likable. It was all gravy on top of the fact that in his regular duty job, he was an elite infantry


medic on his way to becoming a Green Beret soldier like John Wayne and Jim Hutton. Even great


leaders need role models. More on that a bit later.


I had to focus on the job at hand, even while making a brand new life for myself on a worn, and dirty


piece of green notebook paper.


There is very little time to compose a long note. I still had to contend with keeping my squad in their


interlocking fields of fire positions alert, aware of each other, and ready for battle. But, that doesn’t


stop the inspiration I feel from causing me to jot down some important thoughts.


The transformation of being able to make my future wife unite with my leadership and vision for


the future is the same transformation that I offer to you in this course. The fundamentals of what I


uncovered as a 22 year old Sergeant in training for the US Army are the elements that you can use to


inspire your wife to unbridled intimacy with you for the long haul.


12 years ago on that night one thing flashed in my mind. Sergeant school taught me that it is important


to understand the way my soldiers thought and felt about the things that matter most to them. As a


squad team leader, this is the key to motivating and inspiring them to achieve victory. As a Christian


husband, your task is no different.


Those few minutes of waiting in my ambush position was my chance to get out my little green notepad


that was filled with radio frequencies, map coordinates, and mission objectives so I could write a short


note. That note was the beginning of a letter that told the love of my life even more than just how much


she meant to me.


In fact, I was partly inspired to write out the vision statement letter due to a song from my younger


years that constantly ran circles in my mind at that time.


The song was from the now major motion picture, Les Miserables, called “ABC Café/Red and Black.”


I will tell you more about the song in just a little bit.


But, for now, the song spoke to the feelings I had that she was a bright ray of sunshine in my life. But


so much time had passed since she and I were together. Was Sarah just a ghost in my mind? Or, were


we going to really be together at last.


I wrote:


“Sarah and I will change the world around us by making every day our chance…”


It was all I had time to write in my ambush nest.


OK. As the visionary leader of your family now your thoughts can turn from detecting the enemy you


are supposed to ambush to setting up your very own marriage intimacy visionary plan, whether it be on


your green pocket sized sheet of notebook paper or a much bigger system.


As my thoughts turned from the sense of pride I felt for becoming a leader in the US ARMY, missing


the woman I loved, and the prankster plans my friends had promised to pull on me, while I served and


protected them in the military service… my thoughts abruptly shifted.


The enemy squad was in sight. Time to put away my memories of her for the moment and my




“Alright! Time for action”! I think as I get a visual assessment of the enemy that is approaching.


As I assess the size, activity, location, unit, time, and equipment of the approaching enemy I prepare to


engage the ambush for the best element of surprise possible.


But, before I conclude the account of my first mission leading a fire team on military maneuvers, I


want to tie this all into how this relates to having a vision statement by revealing that vision statements


grow out of your own inspiration from those who did great things in the past. That is why you will


learn of some important people we will follow on this journey together.


That is because, instead of leaping to action right away as the enemy approached, my thoughts


wondered for a second to an ambush story that inspired me to be a leader even when I was very young.


I couldn’t believe that as all of this exciting action was about to go down my thoughts returned to the


planning and execution by young student revolutionaries that waged surprise attack on the King’s


Army in Paris, in 1832, which is found in the story of Les Miserables.


Vision Statements are inspired by Greatness


My folks took me to see the show of that story several times when I was young on even into my teens


when I was in high school. I found my role models of adventure through the heroic “Friends of the


ABC” story that was part of the whole epic drama of Les Miserables.


Those young student revolutionaries banded together with the oppressed poor Parisian peasants, joined


under the banner of the anti-monarchist Republicans to plan and organize the 1832 June Rebellion of




This rebellion pitted them at a barricade against the newly crowned king of France, Louis-Philippe and


his army—an army that outnumbered them on those two days of revolution at least 10 to 1.


In the song, “ABC Café/Red and Black” (remember the fading red sunset and oncoming blackness of


night of that fateful night) the French revolutionaries create a vision based on a sign that they need.


The sign they rally the people around is the death of a popular General Lamarque, who took up the


Republican cause for the freedom of the poor. The general’s death rallies all their forces to arms and to


unite to fight for their freedom. It stirs men as revolutionary soldiers to fight.


However, there is an inner conflict in the group because one of the Republican revolutionary leaders


struggles over being loyal to the cause, and searching after the woman that he loves that he may never


see again. As they prepare for their own student’s revolution against the new King of France, he had


fallen in love with the girl of his dreams, the beautiful Cosette.


Still, those young Parisian university students called the friends of the ABC ambushed the King’s


Army. They took the chance of ambushing the King’s Army as that Army led the funeral procession for


the Friend’s of the ABC’s inspirational General.


As a kid, I wasn’t allowed to watch bloody war movies. Old war movies, and Les Miserables were my


introduction to the glory of battle and action driven victory or defeat.


As I said before, I will be the fire team captain that sees you through any hazards that are a part of this


journey to the promised land of intimacy built on the respect earned from visionary leadership.


I want to stir the blood in your veins with this story, the same way as the leader of the friends of the


ABC did as they prepared for their own battle. Briefly, I want to introduce you to the Les Miserables


character, Enjolras. He is the spirited visionary captain of that revolutionary group: “Friends of the




Like myself as your fire team captain on this journey, he had singular vision and dedication to the


cause of freedom. The freedom that we as Christian husbands strive for is the freedom to live in


wedded bliss with our own wives through powerful intimacy.


Role Model Anyone?


Model yourself after some historical or fictional character that embodies the character strengths


necessary to win the heart of your wife.


As Christians we must model ourselves after the main man of interest in this course Jesus. As


Christian husbands who want that kind of freedom in our marriages we can get additional romantic


inspiration too.


Jesus is the ultimate role model. During the time of my life while I was in the Army I chose Marius as


a fictional role model, because he embodied the role of duty bound warrior who wondered if she were


to cry for him if he were to fall. His love was being sent far from him during this time of revolution and


heeding the battle’s call.


So, in the romance department we will model ourselves after the character, Marius, from my Les


Miserable illustration.


Who is Marius? He is the grandson of a wealthy statesman, the son of a decorated officer in


Napoleon’s Army, who learns of his father’s noble character after years of separation. He then takes the


lead in revolutionary romance as well as for civil liberties in Les Miserables.


His true identity as a man escapes him until he catches the sight of the beautiful Cosette. He is torn


between love of his country and the woman who is the love of his life. He does not know who his true


self is—deep in his heart he is both a lover and a fighter.


He is genuine and does not hide behind any charades of pretense. He finds his true self in his devotion


to both his romantic fight for liberty and within his heart full of love for Cosette.


The character of Marius was one of my biggest inspirations for me to naturally lead and woo my wife


from the beginning. I sure have modeled myself after Marius over the years of my romance with my


wife as well. Just one more reason I identify myself with Marius is that he was never supposed to be a


revolutionary soldier—if his grandfather got his way. I too was never supposed to be a soldier. I was


supposed to be a world famous artist.


Of course, all this talk of is for the purpose of you having a heroic role model that was written as a


hero character from start to finish in order to inspire you.


The benefits of a heroic model are too much to put in words. It helps you to think outside of your


routine thought patterns and attain a higher level of excellence and satisfaction in your life. Have Jesus


as your primary role model and choose for yourself your own secondary role model—it will help you a


great deal on this journey.


I could imagine Marius singing the same cadence song I had to sing in many platoon marches. This


was the heart wrenching cadence song, “I wonder.” It was all about wondering what the girl you left


behind was doing, while you work, and train as a soldier… it goes like this:


I Wonder #2


Created by: Jim Bean


“I wonder


How she’s doing now


And I wonder


If she remembers her vow


As I march


All day


As I march


All night


I wonder


I wonder


What she’s doing tonight


And I wonder


If she holds him tight


As I march


All day


As I march


All night


I wonder


I wonder


About the life I had


And I wonder


If my son calls him dad


As I march


All day


As I march all night


I wonder”


I could identify with Marius as he wondered about the woman he loved Cossete, while he fought with


his brothers to win freedom and liberty.


For Stu Webber, author of “Tender Warrior” his role model growing up was the scout, played by


Robert Horton and later Robert Fuller, from the TV series from the late fifties to early sixties, “Wagon


Train.” The scout is the visionary that does the forward observing, and trail blaze adventure seeking


for the rest of the wagon train. The Scout is akin to the visionary leader of the family planning for the


future and seeking adventure along the way.


Like the inspiring and heroic resistance of King Leonidas and his 300 Spartans at the Battle of


Thermopylae the Friends of the ABC became glorified martyrs when their rebellion was crushed—But,


Marius’ love and determination to make the woman he loved his wife was never crushed.


Even though the revolution failed, he survived, and his next revolution, the February Revolution of


1848 was victorious in ending the tyrannical Orleans Monarchy. He not only lived to see that victory,


he succeeded in retaining the love and devotion of that one special woman. There is more on them to


follow in the coming chapters.


Soon we will pick up on my actions to surprise attack my approaching enemy as my thoughts returned


to the character, Marius, who led the ambush on the King’s ARMY.


But, the point of introducing you to these brave and courageous characters is that it was their actions


and their song that inspired me to write, to dream, and to fight that night.


I hope to inspire you to make changes that achieve the same kind of transformation I soon will share


with you in this next chapter of this course. I hope to lead you in the practice of crafting a vision for


you and your wife that leads to greater intimacy too.


3 Practical steps of pre-planning and launch of a vision statement plan.


Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is




The context of this passage from Proverbs 29:18 is clear.


Ignore the warning and law of God at your own peril. Fulfillment and happiness in your life come only


through following the truth set in God’s unshakable word. Submitting yourself to the authority of the


Bible with your vision is the course of action to take in order to truly be happy and fulfilled in life.


In my promise to you at the very beginning of this course, I already established the case with Ephesians


5:22-33 and 1 Peter 3:7 that both wives and husbands are commanded to respect each other. These


verses also establish you, the husband as the head of the relationship, with Jesus as your head of the


entire relationship. As the leader of the marriage, under the headship of Christ, you will reap the


benefits and rewards of respect, honor, devotion, joy, fulfillment, and glorious intimacy with your wife


when you take up the full responsibility of your role.


Proverbs 29:18 institutes your mandate to be the visionary leader of your home under the visionary


leadership of Jesus Christ. Remember Ephesians 2:10 states that Jesus has a plan for your life.


Visionary leadership of your home is a vital part of that plan for your life. Seize this day as your day to


fulfill that mandate from Jesus, your spiritual authority.


As the visionary leader of your family the first visionary expectation that you can fulfill of your wife is


to first demonstrate your Biblical and practical competence. This is your first order of business in the


pre-planning of your visionary statement plan.


This is your wife’s fundamental expectation of you. That means that unless you demonstrate sound


biblical knowledge and practical application of that knowledge, she will not have confidence in any of


your abilities.


What is he doing when I am not looking?


Is he goofing off after work and then lying to me about overtime?


Is he setting a Godly standard in all that he does? This goes back to the whole “man up” state of affairs


in your marriage, but with a spiritual and visionary leadership twist.


Your Bible is your number one weapon in your arsenal as a visionary leader. As a soldier in the


US Army I always had two things on me at all times. My dog-tags, and my little green vinyl covered


Gideon’s New Testament and Psalm and Proverbs pocket Bible.


There is no wonder that the chapter that follows the love your wife as Christ loved and sacrificed


himself for the church, and respect verses of Ephesians Ch 5 and the children obey/workers obey your


parents/boss are the spiritual warfare passages found in Ch 6 . The sword of the spirit, which is the


word of God, is your only offensive piece of equipment in your whole armor of God.


In the Army I built the reputation as that guy in the barracks that would drive other soldiers to the


“Cowboys” club, and drive them back at night as the designated driver. They could count on me to be


there for them, and be the guy that read his pocket Bible at the bar as they danced and be there to listen


to their problems. And, in return they taught me how to line dance.


Do you want to have that kind of reputation? That is if you don’t already have it in your life, and with


those around you. It is well worth having and you will find that the opportunities to share the gospel of


truth and salvation with the world will come to you, instead of you having to go to them.


Ephesians 6


King James Version (KJV)


10 “


Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.




Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.




For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against


the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.


13Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the


evil day, and having done all, to stand.




Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of




15 And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;


16 Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of


the wicked.


17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:


Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all




perseverance and supplication for all saints;


19 And for me, that utterance may be given unto me, that I may open my mouth boldly, to make


known the mystery of the gospel,




For which I am an ambassador in bonds: that therein I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.”


You are in a war against spiritual powers that want to take you out as the visionary leader of your


family. Jesus knew it well. On the night of His betrayal he warned His remaining 11 disciples:


Matthew 26:31-35


King James Version (KJV)


31 “Then saith Jesus unto them, All ye shall be offended because of me this night: for it is


written, I will smite the shepherd, and the sheep of the flock shall be scattered abroad.”


Jesus knew that it was His time to die on the cross for our sins. Jesus was and still is our visionary


leader for our future and hope. In his first advent He lived and died for His Father’s vision of him being


the perfect “lamb of God, which taketh away the sin of the world” (John 1:29) through His death on the


cross, burial and bodily resurrection to eternal glory so we can have eternal life too (Rom 6:23).


Now I am not trying to say that God the Father is not sovereign over the universe by saying that all this


was His vision alone. His vision is His decree. And, His decree is sovereign over everything.


Jesus warned His disciples that they would be discouraged, lose heart and turn away from following


Him completely. In His next breath, Jesus still provides a vision that they can count on and follow in


expectation of following Him again after his resurrection.


32” But after I am risen again, I will go before you into Galilee.”


He left us with God the Father’s vision of advancing His kingdom through the spreading of the Gospel


through his Great Commission to follow Acts 1:8.


Acts 1:8


King James Version (KJV)


8 “But ye shall receive power, after that the Holy Ghost is come upon you: and ye shall be


witnesses unto me both in Jerusalem, and in all Judaea, and in Samaria, and unto the uttermost


part of the earth.”


When you put God first with your time, energy, and actions of growing in knowledge and


understanding of God’s word—which incidentally will strengthen your relationship with God—


you will automatically gain the approval, devotion and respect of your wife and family and will be


advancing His kingdom.


This will combat the dark influences of this world that scatters the moral uprightness of your


leadership, and by extension–the lives of your family.


When my Army friends in the barracks would hit bottom with a girl issue at the “Cowboys” club or


just need a break from dancing I always had my pocket Bible ready to go to share some words of Jesus,


because we have a hope that we can look to of His return to be the reigning Judge and King of the


entire universe.


3 Practical steps of pre-planning and launch of a vision statement plan


Your first practical exercise of pre-planning of a vision statement plan that you need to implement is


three fold.


Action Step #1: Step up your private bible reading and prayer time. You decide how, how much, when


as the Holy Spirit leads. Here is my recommendation.


Early in the morning before your family wakes up (no distractions) for at least 30 minutes of bible


reading and 15 minutes of prayer.


Late at night when the kids are in bed (no distractions) with or without your wife being present to


witness you devotion time. It is a good idea to lead her in a bible study and prayer time at this time as




Action Step #2: Read your Bible and start a family Bible study 3-7 times a week. Make sure that your


family sees you read your Bible and that you lead in the spiritual growth of your family.


Action Step #3: Join a men’s Bible Study and Fellowship Group that meets regularly. Iron sharpens


Iron. The most that you will benefit from growing in Biblical Leadership is under the brotherly support,


fellowship, and accountability that Proverbs 27 selections prove (King James Version):


9 “Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man’s friend by hearty counsel.


10 Thine own friend, and thy father’s friend, forsake not; neither go into thy brother’s house in the day of


thy calamity: for better is a neighbour that is near than a brother far off.


11My son, be wise, and make my heart glad, that I may answer him that reproacheth me.


12 A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself; but the simple pass on, and are punished.”






Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.


18Whoso keepeth the fig tree shall eat the fruit thereof: so he that waiteth on his master shall be




19 As in water face answereth to face, so the heart of man to man.


21 As the fining pot for silver, and the furnace for gold; so is a man to his praise.


23 Be thou diligent to know the state of thy flocks, and look well to thy herds.


Note* Start now since these Proverbs passages are a good jumping off point for further Bible Study.


3 Vision Foundations for Taking Action like a Forward Observer


Following the model I set up with when I told of that night I prepared my first military training ambush


that started me making vision statements for my marriage…


It is your turn to be the visionary squad leader for your family so you can be ready for any problems


that comes down the pike.


Monthly make a survey of your ambush zone.


That means planning financially to have a nest egg reserve of funds that can be used to fix break


downs, emergencies, any enemy that may come to you, much like how in planning for my first military


training ambush, I followed the movements and patterns of the opposing squad.


I made a educated prediction of the places that they might travel through in order to get back to their


camp, or set up communications, routes for their supply chain, and others.


I then narrowed down their most likely route and found the best place that I could use as an ambush




In advance of the enemy’s route I cut them off at a pass and assigned all of my squad members their


firing positions.


Application: Have your band of brothers that you meet with regularly for fellowship and Bible study


know the most important problems that you foresee happening in your family life. Equip them with the


understanding they need of your predictions and take on a multitude of their counsel so that you have


an intersecting field of fire and vantage points to best get the jump on a possible problem before it gets


the jump on you. This also sets up a prayer chain of intercessory prayer on yours and their behalf in a


round robin fashion.


Selects a point position for yourself and settle into your firing position.


Now that you have your band of brothers covering intersecting fields of fire on the avenue of


approach that you expect problems to come from give yourself the tools and equipment you need to


properly ambush and capture your enemy problems. Read your Bible, more husband, leadership, and


inspirational success stories and invest in learning life management skills. (ex….).


Refuel and Set Up Communication


Feast on the Bible in your own regular devotion times, and make sure to strengthen your relationship


with both God and your wife and family. This is both establishing radio contact with your commander


(Jesus), and your troops (family). Now you can pioneer your own “All Clear” lower level of stress


situation for your family. They can now switch gears from being on safety mode, which is protective,


but does not allow for your family to be “fire ready” to live out the destiny God has in store for you.


Let’s go back to the moment I fully assessed the approaching enemy squad that I had to ambush


“OH NO” I thought!


“Wait…Two additional squads have joined forces with the enemy squad to form a light fire team of 3




It was a moment of panic. More ammunition and higher ground—And, a machine gun would be


needed. No time for wishful thinking.


“I can’t let panic show” I thought to myself.


I start barking orders as quietly as I can.


“Claim that higher ground over there” I whisper.


“Spread out with wider interlocking fields of fire. Guess the best you can to make the fields of fire




I continue to whisper orders, “Do your best to snipe the ones that look like officers. Hit them early


from opposite ends of our line. Try to confuse them by over bounding in zig-zag movements.


Stick and move. Give them no fix on our position.”


A new thought entered my mind, “Sometimes plans do not work out the way I figured they would.”


Was this more than an art student turned Army squad leader could manage on a moment’s notice?


Truth is, sometimes we have all have to change on a moments’ notice in life or else we don’t make it.


Ch 2: Secret #2 Jump Aboard that Rescue Boat


The Command Center that Lifts you from your Lowest Low


On Army field exercises both on the base and while I was deployed to the field my superiors always


received their orders and mission objectives for battle drills from the TOC. A TOC is an Army Tactical


Operations Center. This is how I discovered to make my mind my own TOC to plan out visionary


intimacy plans.


I had to do the same in my mind in order to defeat the enemy I was about to surprise attack.


As the enemy approached from the south I realized, “We’re outnumbered, something like 3 to 1.”


No one was going to get out alive (so to speak) if I did not lead with a vision of outsmarting and


outmaneuvering them.


They had the guns and the numbers. They grouped up the remaining squads that were at base camp as a


little surprise for our planned ambush. They had a SAW machine gun, and lots of riflemen.


It was time to go guerilla on them. They didn’t know where we would set up the ambush, so we still


had the element of surprise.


I remembered when the Friends of the ABC discovered they were abandoned by the people of Paris


who said they would make a stand with them at the Barricade, but when the battle looked bleak they


abandoned them. It was Marius who suggested stealing the guns of the fallen Orleans National Guard


soldiers so they could have more ammunition. Getting the enemy’s SAW was the most important


objective of this mission now.


Fast as lightning, my fire team leapt into better vantage points up the ridge that overlooked the tall


grassy valley.


No fancy high speed vaulting over-bound movements.


We low crawled our way slowly up the ridge to the next cleft.


On my mark, we shot down the SAW operator.


Next, the point man…


Next, the first available team leader…


They hit the ground, but we changed position. Now that the battle was hot and everyone had to fight in


night vision mode, we had to over-bound quickly, and find fast cover.


When the smoke cleared…


We overtook the large squad and had that SAW to set up over the ridge… in case they called for


reinforcements. Not every mission is a success in life, but that first training mission was an astounding


success… in my book anyways.


The military technical and war training tactical skills were a piece of cake.


No special recognition was given to me or my soldiers. We had to do patrol once the TOC released us


to head back to base camp.


You as the leader of your home should feel the recognition of the LORD in your accomplishments


and victories. The hectic pace of life may drown out the deserved praise and appreciation you may be


worthy of from your wife, but when life hits hard… be ready to hit harder, take higher ground morally,


and move quickly to pacify the situation and seize control of anything that might be used to cut your


family down.


After School Special


Have you ever had a sudden success followed by an all time low?


After my Sergeant School experience having graduated with everything needed to be promoted to


Sergeant, I waited… months for my promotion to go through. I had the time to pick up on my first


vision statement for Sarah and I.


On my green notebook paper I had the only the fragment of an idea for my vision statement, of which I


had jotted down in my ambush nest:


“Sarah and I will change the world around us by making every day our chance…”


I needed to complete the vision statement. At least I needed to complete the sentence.


I decided go big by starting small.


“Sarah and I will change the world around us by making every day our chance…


Our chance to take care of each other so we can be united together for the benefit of the gospel


and blessing the lives of those around us—one day at a time. Intimate communication and


care of each other’s needs and the mastery of knowing the needs of each other will cause us to


be best suited to make a difference in the lives of others. We will accomplish this through our


example and our combined ability to love as Christ loved.”


Now I felt a real sense of accomplishment.


Take this as an example of what a vision statement truly is.


There is a line in that ABC Café/Red and Black song that sums it up,


“It is time for us all to decide who we are.”


It is a statement, presently possible or not, meant to focus on the potential within the abilities and


talents of the organization in question—namely mine or your marriage relationship with your wife.


It is a way of saying how you intend to make your envisioned future a reality and decide who you are


as a married couple—it does not go into how to make it happen. It is the meaning of what you desire to




In a sense, a strong vision is less about being an individual man of God, but rather the head of a family


that is striving for a higher call—the call of God on your marriage.


The song goes on to say,


“Marius, you are no longer a child.


I do not doubt you mean it well. But now there is a higher call.


Who cares about your lonely soul. We strive towards a larger goal. Our little lives don’t count


at all.”


In perspective, when you take on a visionary leadership role in your marriage you deny yourself and


press on toward the goal of unity and greater purpose.


First vision statement done—but, there still was a long road ahead before it could


be realized


The real trouble came when I found out that after becoming a new Sergeant that my commander was


not going to send me to a brand new duty station. What’s the big deal? The big deal is the difference in


respect that a lower ranking E-4 Specialist pulls, and the respect that a Sergeant pulls.


At my old duty station all my friends and fellow low ranking soldiers would have to learn to think of


me differently, and change their level of respect for me.


I had to earn the respect of all my soldiers… including a former roommate.


Like Hercules, I was battling the Hydra monster.


With every one soldier, whose respect I earned… at least another 2 soldiers would pop up to take their


place. I had my work cut out for me. I was being pulled down and dragged to the bottom of a whirlpool


of earned respect.


Better yet, like the 12 Apostles who Jesus sent to Lake Galilee in their fishing boats, while Jesus stayed


back to pray… the storm of life and first real failure as a leader had hit. My boat was tossed in the




Always look to Jesus.


Do not get into a rut like the scared and freaked out disciples did. Only one disciple, Peter, had the faith


to step out of the boat and walk on water with Jesus.


As soon as he took his eyes off Jesus and on to the storm raging around him he began to sink in the


water. Jesus made it clear. Peter lost faith in a moment of one to one connection with Jesus.


Here is the lowdown as it is revealed in:


Matthew 14:22-33


King James Version (KJV)


22 “And straightway Jesus constrained his disciples to get into a ship, and to go before him unto


the other side, while he sent the multitudes away.


23 And when he had sent the multitudes away, he went up into a mountain apart to pray: and


when the evening was come, he was there alone.


24 But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary.


25 And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.


26 And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit;


and they cried out for fear.


27 But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.


28 And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.


29 And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water,


to go to Jesus.


30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying,


Lord, save me.


31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of


little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?


32 And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased.


33 Then they that were in the ship came and worshipped him, saying, Of a truth thou art the Son


of God.”


The Disciples got one thing right. They saw God’s glory manifested in the power of Jesus to walk


over the Chaos of life, and command it to behave. They did the only thing men of God do. They


represented! They gave props to their master. They acknowledged the truth that Jesus is the Son of




Jesus modeled the solution to the disciples. Pray! Pray like Jesus did in verse 23 of the chapter. The


next thing to do is “Take courage.” Jesus is in control. Don’t be afraid. Worship Him instead, as the


disciples did when Jesus got in the boat.


The first solution for any problem as the leader of your household is to do the same.




Solution: Run with the King


Next, there came the practical steps to solving this problem of disrespect.


I decided to take on the responsibility of being the barracks sergeant, while at the same time taking on


the responsibility of being the one Representative that worked under the Squadron Commander, who


was a Lieutenant Colonel.


I was then able to be each of the single soldier’s go to guy when they had a need that concerned them


being a single soldier living in the barracks. I made myself available for them to go to for solutions and


support in the barracks where we lived, while at the same time boosting my influence over them by


working for a very high ranking commander.


But, then it wasn’t long before I had my lowest low.


I absolutely lost it in front of other soldiers on my old room mate who wanted to disrespect me as his


Sergeant. Twice in one day he publicly disrespected me and disobeyed direct orders.


The public tearing to shreds of my soldier lead to an hour of making him hold the “up” push up


position, while I gave him—Absolute Hell—for even thinking about crossing me.


After about 45 minutes of push-ups and my verbal wrath—I decided to stop my immediate disciplinary


action and gave him the order to stretch his muscles after the push up discipline. I told him that he


needed to write down all of the things about me that reminded him of me being his old roommate.


Then I told him that I was not going to take further disciplinary write up actions—I did not tell him


that I was going to study his list of answers to set up guidelines for my behavior as his Sergeant. These


guidelines were specifically customized to only him. My leadership of him as my soldier would be


tailored to meet his individual needs as my old roommate who then became my subordinate.


Often, when I react to any disrespect from my wife—this situation with my old roommate pops in


my head. The first two years of marriage with Sarah were difficult in that we tried to change each


other based on our own expectations. If I pushed Sarah too much to grow in a problem, or to take on a


greater responsibility than she was ready for, then she would react with disrespect.


Don’t get me wrong. She is a wonderful woman and wife. But, I have used the lesson I learned from


my run in with my old roommate as a benchmark for the way I solve the disrespect in my marriage.


I take ownership of what I did to cause her to disrespect me and work on those things to earn her


respect again.


You can benefit from my mistake and the solution I made to keep me from blowing up each time I am


seriously disrespected. Sometimes being given an excuse for why she can’t be intimate again feels like


a serious disrespect. Over time it causes the inner pain that is similar to the way a highly valuable and


competent man would feel after job rejection after job rejection.


Use the critical words your wife shells out to you as key areas to improve for the sake of a solution


and to re-earn her trust again. Disrespect, stress, and anxiety are the Triple Threat enemies that must


be conquered so that sexual and relational intimacy can overflow in your marriage. Keep on in this


journey with me and you will discover how.


A “TOC” For Every Intimate Occasion


That night in the ambush nest for practice military squad fire-team training I realized that in my head I


needed to make uniquely individualized command centers that fit each unique circumstance. Well, this


time writing Sarah, my future wife I had created my own TOC—unique to her. The TOC was not in a


place or location. It was in my mind. And, from then on I would go to my TOC upstairs (in my head)


and plan out my relationship with Sarah even though we were a couple thousand miles away from each


other at the time.


Each time I made visionary notes for my relationship with Sarah, just the simple act of taking a pen and


notepad from out of my cargo pocket was enough to tie me to her again. And, I would feel a sense of


intimacy with her I craved. My homecoming over a year later that reunited me with my fiancé was the


first fulfillment of those visionary letters I wrote.


This was the beginning of more than just love letters. Each time I composed a short message of vision


that was meant to take Sarah from an understanding of “I mean this to James” to an understanding of


“We have a future that is built on a vision of us” I made strides toward building passionate unity and


intimacy together that we could “cash in” once we were married. And, it was all started by connecting


my Godly role as husband with those “Les Miserables” songs that were running circles in my head.


I guess it was a product of being taught military leadership that is based on creating a vision for victory


in battle as well.


Having a vision for intimate victory in life for Sarah and I is the secret to the strength of my marriage


over the years of many ups and downs in married life. Troubles in life always seemed like a threat to


intimacy in my marriage. Perhaps you can relate to the way that long hours of work responsibilities,


busy family activities, and misunderstandings in your marriage can make you feel sad and alone—even


when you are surrounded by friends and family.


All of the success I had achieved in those weeks of leadership training did not warm me and make me


feel as happy and content as writing to my girl again. The same is true for reuniting with her after I left


the army. It prepared me for the many challenges and relational difficulties that we would encounter




The use of a vision is for the purpose of aligning the minds of those you lead to have the same


inspiration to achieve a goal and succeed together. I wanted to change the rules of engagement in my


relationship with Sarah.


We would work together and be truly adventurous in our creation of our own happiness no matter what


it took to get there. This was the fulfillment of that open vision from 3 years prior to this that caused me


to join the Army, and learn leadership principles in the first place.


The First Steps


Many couples tell similar stories that center around a lack of “intimacy” in their marriage. They have


many of life’s challenges as a reason for being unhappy. I am “all too familiar” with these challenges.


And, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Hope, for healing and victory for the winning is what is


available for you, if you apply yourself and allow transformation to take hold in your life.


So the first step is to grasp the differences in what intimacy is for you and what it is for your wife.


There is no doubt that for you, “intimacy” is physical. For her, it is almost always emotional.


Let’s just go on and admit it–true intimacy in marriage is both physical and emotional. And, visionary


leadership from you is your key to connecting with your wife intimately on both levels.


I will start this second chapter with 3 tips that you can get to work on implementing in order start being


“One Flesh” once again as we gear up to take massive action.


Tip #1: Value Your Wife


Put in writing every basis you felt for falling in love with your wife. Think about and put in writing


every passionate flash of memory you have about this — physical and emotional. It is easy if you try.


Draw a line down the middle of the paper now.


Then write down all of those things that worry and concern only you in that column. Then draw


another line and write down those things that bother the two of you. Get it all out there. Empty your


mind and your heart.


Brutal honesty will give you clear insight into having transformative change that builds intimacy again.


Go on. Exposing hidden and raw feelings about intimacy frees you to focus on what you want in your


marriage. A laser focus on intimacy and passionate moments you’ve shared with her is the first part of


your vision quest.


Rip that page in half. Throw away the negative side, and choose to only focus on why you fell in love


in the first place. It is your choice to be made, but there is no other way to truly value your wife. This is


not a magic bullet that solves all your marriage problems, but your motivation has to come from your


passion for her that makes you see her as a wife you cherish.


This is daily exercise and will get easier and take less time with each go around.


Tip #2:” More Oomph”


You invest in what you value. You expect returns from good investments. A wife’s love and devotion


is the greatest return on investment around and pays out dividends for ever—if she feels cherished.


It is OK to be consumed by your spouse in passion. Take a chunk out of your time that you are home


with your family to do that. You have to lose yourself in her when you are intimate with her.


The last exercise was also meant to help you explore and open up your emotions to her too. You do


not have to emasculate yourself and become all touchy feely. But, without connecting some element


of what you feel in life with her regular outpouring of emotions (each woman’s level of emotional


outpouring is different, but they all do it at some level) you cannot gain intimacy with her.


Emotional connection is extremely critical during two situations in your marriage:


All throughout lovemaking. You must focus your mental, emotional and physical attention during


lovemaking. This allows your complete connection to take on a life of its own and become truly




During emotional and intimate conversations in private. She needs to have eye to eye connection in


which you only look at her–without distraction. Share your feelings with her with total honesty and


certainty. Live today in understanding with your wife as 1 Peter 3:7 exhort you to do. Be comfortable


with the level of emotional that you share with her, but prepare to increase it over time. Also, do not let


negative emotions take over your intimate time of togetherness.


Tip #3: The Journey “Together” Is the Destination


Hope that carries love onward to victory.


OK. What is a good example of a vision to rally your wife around and


Do you think I told her about my vision for our marriage and life together? I started by asking her


questions over the phone on our nightly long-distance phone calls. I used the answers she gave me to


help form the vision statements I would later share when I left the ARMY to be with her. I practiced


the art of back-planning leadership that I learned from Sergeant School on my new squad of soldiers


every opportunity I got.


Every Thursday that I was the instructor for my platoon’s “Sergeant’s Time Training” (yes, weekly


tactical training for each Company of soldiers was called “Sergeant’s Time Training) I would try to set


up a mystery maze of events and tasks for the platoon to accomplish. This was practice well spent that


has benefited my marriage in more ways than one.


Irresistible intrigue


You share one life with your wife. Neither of you truly are individuals—or separate from unity in


marriage. Now is your opportunity to carve out a destiny and legacy for you and your wife. Waiting for


everything to be perfect to take headship in that destiny will ensure failure.


Likewise, do not wait for your marriage to be perfect to take headship in intimacy. See everyday not


as an individual day. Instead, see it as a part of a whole journey, of which both of you are partners. If


you treat intimacy as a continual journey you will find that intimate victories will be won as you live in


understanding with your wife.


This holistic treatment of intimacy with your wife is a good reason to slow down and see the bigger


picture. In fact, your wife sees intimacy with you as a comprehensive way of life. To her each intimate


victory you share is interconnected and understood only her feelings about everything as a whole.


I know that is a lot to take in and totally wrap your head around. That is why it is best to think in terms


of having the end in mind—and back plan from there. Have you ever played one of those sequential


treasure hunt games before? I think we all have at one time or another. You find the first treasure, and


on that treasure is a note with a clue to how you can find the next treasure. Then guess what? That 2


treasure has a clue on it for how to find the next clue and so on…


The last treasure has a clue to finding the Big Prize at the end of the treasure hunt. Each hiding


place and the clue to the next clue baring treasure has to be carefully planned out from the Big Prize


backwards. This builds the most intrigue for each new treasure on a fun and well planned out course


that will become more and more exciting as you get closer to the Big Prize. Women feel pursued and


invested in when you plan out a fun and exciting series of romantic occasions along the path of a week,


a day, or only just a simple afternoon together.


This is where understanding the way of intimacy as a visionary leader makes sense.


If she approaches you for intimacy, then it feels like she was instantly turned on in the same way that


it works for you. However, her feelings of intimate excitement started much, much earlier in the day or


even earlier on in the week.


It is a turn off to her when you simply hurry to get her into bed and have sex.


Don’t be fooled by the spontaneity of each time you are intimate with your wife. When you and she


purpose to share in intimate connection on a continuing basis, it will feel like it happens all of a sudden,


but in reality the lovemaking began hours in advance.


This is a part of your vision and not the end goal. Making sex with your wife the end goal can become


obsessive and destructive to the overall intimacy of a Godly marriage. She can do the same with her


obsessing over whether “he gets me.”


Remember the idea of Rediscovery Dates? It was the big topic of the “Fore-Play Anticipation Romance


dates” module that led up to your obtaining “One Flesh.” Fore-play is the taking of sweet baby steps in


the grand scheme of intimacy in your marriage.


In case it is not fresh in your mind, it is the little things that when combined create colossal intimacy


that leads to sex that is truly intimate. It is the sharing of moments of unity while holding hands on a


walk and sharing of simple pleasures. Have regular rediscovery dates that solidify your relationship,


help you fall in love with each other all over again amidst shared conversation, laughter, and the simple


pleasure of each other’s company.


The romance and attention to her physical touch needs can be the spark of electricity that makes the


date more than a rediscovery date. This could come in the form of giving her a good shoulder or foot




rub. But, in and of itself, the touch needs to be for simple connection to each other.


At this point, do not over anticipate the mood turning from simple intimacy to erotic flooding passion


just yet. Trust is built when you make it clear to her that you are not here to use her body for sexual


satisfaction alone. When you delay your full passion in the beginning of this process and allow your


feelings of sexual fulfillment to rest on her readiness you build trust like nothing else.


Then she can know that you do not want to just use her as a sex object only.


Her level of comfort-ability with being sexual will be the open door that is opened by the overflow of


money deposited in her emotional bank account. Trust alone is the key to the vault of her heart and to


full on intimacy in your marriage.


“But, this is too much work” you might say. “I need something to encourage me along the way” you


exclaim in bewilderment at the scope of this task. Self control can be the hardest of tigers to tame.


She will meet you in the midst of your effort and close the gap. “One Flesh” is all about both of you


building the habit of investing in one another. But, it is you who need to be the leader and she will




Becoming “One Flesh” once more is worth the work and builds more than you can imagine.


3 Practical steps of making a vision statement plan


Write a short and snappy statement of the most important “thing” that you want your marriage


to accomplish for the Kingdom of God. It doesn’t have to be a reality in your life at the


moment. You have to believe that it will happen when writing the statement and write it as if it


were already true.


Write down the idea that best represents what you marriage means to both of you in a longterm, wide-ranging sense, without sounding too nonspecific. At the same time do not be too


generic in your vision statement. “I will achieve happiness” is what everybody desires in their




Consider any individual or shared callings on yours and your wife’s life, but don’t be too


specific. Doing that might limit the scope of your vision and won’t be relevant 5, 10, or 15


years down the road. If you desire to be missionaries in the future like Sarah and I, that is a


vision for the future. But, it is not the vision for your entire life since it is the total impact of


your dream that really will inspire both of you. It is too narrow in focus.


Make this into a 3 steps Vision Worksheet PDF. Use:




Ch3: Secret #3 Be the best “You” that you can be and make sure she


sees that reality


Her desire for you is linked to her perception of you. She is reserving that powerful emotional tidal


wave of desire for the right stimulus from you.


Being the best you ties in perfectly with needed her to have a good impression of you in her mind.


Use her deep psychological need for security in choosing to lead her through a strong vision of your


successful future.


Learn her secret and not so secret hopes and dreams and weave them into your visionary leadership


plans. They are there for you to discover and focus on. Take advantage of the fact that God already


hardwired her to feel a sense of security. This is not the same as taking advantage of her because of


her need for security. God has given you gifts in your life to understand and use, so do not ignore this


hidden gift He has placed in her for your marriage.


If you take powerful strides to accomplish, realize, and include all of that in obtaining your vision,


then she will identify you with her deep seeded and primal sense of security! That is a good place to


be my friend! This will not all come together perfectly like some sort of phenomenon so it is important


to work on making regular results on a consistent and regular basis. This is very necessary in order to


make her keep her trust in you strong over the long haul.


The time is “NOW” to man up if you haven’t done so already with the “Character driven Trust


exercises in the “Man Up” report that creates proof of your credibility.


Your best behavior even after getting your “Front Door Respect” is not what will make her see you as


the man that will sweep her off her feet, and cause her to open herself up to you. Genuinely relating to


her as “yourself” will. No amount of Alpha male posturing can achieve the genuineness of being who


God made you to be.


Women have subtle insight into the genuineness of character in people. They know things that defy


reason alone and can only be described as supernatural intuition. If she has listened to her intuitive


heart for any amount of time in her life, then she will see through Alpha-male posturing and see it as a


charade that with it carries deception, or at the very least over-compensation for lack of manly integrity


and strength of character. To quote Les Miserables that the “ABC Café/Red and Black” song comes


from, “There’s a new world for the winning.”


Take an all or nothing stand to win just by being you. That is the path of the champion.


I had to choose between who I really was and still am and a life of duty and service in a world that


did not really understand me. The Army taught me so much and allowed me to grow into manhood.


I was able to live e a wild adventure (but still it was a lot of hard work). But, I was meant to take my


leadership training into a life of marriage with my wife, not the military.


My last year of being in the Army as a Sergeant was a dark time of heart-break. It reminded me of the


haunting sound of the whippoorwill bird that would sing to the tune of the twinkling stars outside my


bedroom window at night when I was a kid. It kept me awake as I would look out the window and


dream. Its sound is sad and lonely, but with bursts of excitement in each call it would sing.


Being the US ARMY was the year following the devastating and shocking attacks of 9-11 was scary


and filled with intensified training at Pinion Canyon that was several hours south of my duty station, Ft


Carson in Colorado Springs Colorado. Many more lonely months ensued with long months of training.


The long months made me miss Sarah all the more and made me think of how Marius felt when he


believed that he would never see Cosette again as he led in the barricade battle of Paris in that June


Revolution of 1832.


My time was coming short and it was time for me to decide if I wanted to reenlist, take the option of


going “Green to Gold” with a paid trip to college in order to become a commissioned officer in the US




As I continued to wonder which direction I should take, my unit started weekly trips to Pike’s Peak to


train to climb the towering 14K mountain as a whole troop. On one such climb I was halfway up the


mountain and preparing to climb down when I simply stopped and looked over the shining horizon of


mountains and valleys and wooded ravines and my heart knew that I belonged with Sarah and that I


could not put off marriage one year longer than necessary.


The last day I was in the ARMY before packing my Chevrolet Cavalier with all my belongings I took


one final hike to the top of Pikes Peak with a good friend of mine (you’ll learn more about him and


how he has helped me discover unusual techniques for marriage intimacy in the next chapter) to say


good bye to the life that I could no longer live and say hello to the life that lay before me. I chose to be


me and to give all of myself to Sarah as I follow the Lord in the direction He had for me to fulfill.


This is the key to winning her over based on her perception of you. Reality is the key to creating a


positive perception of you. When she and I were reunited after I drove cross-country to be with her


again, she knew that I had found myself and that I was going to be genuine no matter what because of


the journey of discovery I had completed.


I remember driving up to her house (she was in nursing school at the University of Central Florida and


was still living at her parent’s house). I was unemployed, with no prospects and no idea of what to do




That neighborhood street was like any other that night, accept for the fact that all I could see where the


luminous moon, twinkling stars, and her smiling eyes.


But, with a jump out of my car that evening on her street we ran toward each other with a tight




“I love you… missed you so much.”


“Me too” she replied with an excited burst of pure joy!


I broke into another subject… I couldn’t hide my surprise at the fact that the girl I once knew with her


long flowing brown hair had cut it to shoulder’s length.


I responded to my surprise exclaiming, “To quote Brian Wilson, Where did your long hair go?


But, You’re still the girl I used to know.” I said jokingly. You have got to be a Beach Boys fan to get it.


I can close my eyes now and still vividly see her sparkling bright brown eyes and the glow of newness


that shone about her. She and I couldn’t stop smiling and sharing tender embraces together.


I want you to close your eyes right now and picture in your mind a time when your wife seemed so


new and exciting to you. Remember the feeling of being alone with her for that magic moment… it will


come in handy later on in Ch 6.


She and I sat all night and dreamed of our new life together. When we would marry and I had to be


honest with her as myself… It felt so weird to be away from the Army.


Nothing felt right… but her.


That day was the first day I could started practicing and sharing with Sarah what I had written for our


first vision statement.


“Sarah and I will change the world around us by making every day our chance to take care of


each other so we can be united together for the benefit of the gospel and blessing the lives of


those around us—one day at a time. Intimate communication and care of each other’s needs


and the mastery of knowing the needs of each other will cause us to be best suited to make a


difference in the lives of others. We will accomplish this through our example and our combined


ability to love as Christ loved.”


I did more listening than talking. We knew already that someday we would be missionaries. Before I


left for the Army I knew that God had a calling on my life for missions. She did too. She told me a lot


more about her dreams to be a midwife on the mission field and how nursing school was the means to


get there… someday.


I now had much more important fine points to apply to the vision statement I was verbally sharing with


her that night. In just that one exchange of sharing the desires of both our hearts in that one talk the


vision started to take on a life all its own. I knew more of her needs so we can be best suited to make a


difference in the lives of others.


You can do the same by better knowing the needs of your wife in such a way that causes you both to be


best suited to make a difference for the Kingdom of God and for the betterment of the lives of others as




If you learn what is most important to your wife she will most likely do the same for you. Also,


remember this quote. Be naturally you and love her for who she is and she will do the same in due




“Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and


some won’t like you at all. About all you can do in life is be who you are.” – Rita Mae Brown


The young revolutionary, Marius, that I mentioned before from Les Miserables won the heart of the girl


of his dreams with expert skill simply by being natural as well.


Get the Love and Affection


Most of the pick-up-artist formula training courses help men pick up women at the bar or nightclub by


telling him what to say, while he is instructed to be as natural as possible, while playing mind games


with her—maybe she will end up as his next sexual conquest. Alpha-male posturing to convince her


that you’re the next right guy to give it away to.


No sign of real love and affection in any of it.


The Story of Marius and Cosette is much more genuine. Their love story is truly about the spark of


love at first sight without any mac-tactics. The report between them is not “assumed”—it is real and




Across a crowded street of passers-by and mid-day town square activity Maris and Cosette share a love


at first sight glance together. In true Romeo and Juliette fashion he calls out for her in the night at the


Rue Plumet gardens where she lives. There, they declare their mutual love as a secret romance begins.


In the love song they sing together, “In my life–A heart full of love”…


He declares what she means to him. This is the standard practice I learned over time away from Sarah


and we could share in a genuine appreciation for the light each of us brought into each others life.


Cossete has “burst into” Marius’ life like “the music of angels… the light of the sun.”


I learned to follow his example; when he declared to her that his life had changed into something


“wonderful” and it will “never be the same”, because of her.


In words and in a symbolic spiritual sense too, they sing together of how each has touched each other


deep in their hearts. They sing of how they have filled each other’s hearts full of life and love.


He says she has given him a “heart full of song.”


Then he candidly admits to her – “I’m doing everything all wrong.” And… that he doesn’t even know


her name yet.


She admits to him in the song that he gives her courage to have “no fear or regret.” She stands to lose


all that she has ever known of love that had come from her father.


She tells him her name. And, at that knowing her name, he admits that he doesn’t “know what to say.”


She answers him with, “Then make no sound.”


At that he confesses to her that, “I am lost.” (for words)… But in a loving admission to him as a


response she sings, “I am found.”


All it took was a single look, and then he admits he “knew” that she was the one for him. She counters


him with, “I knew it too.” They feel lost in a dream together, but both of them know it is not a dream


after all.


This is the classic romantic merging of two hearts to become one.


He wins her heart simply by being himself and admitting to his shortcomings in all honesty. That


honesty is the cement that bonds their hearts together


That is why a man’s wife will not want him intimately as long as she still has a negative perception


about him. The same is true for you and I alike.


Popping the Bubble of Pop Psychology


This runs counter to some psychological advice that tells “boyfriends” to make sure he does things


that make her angry, because when she feels that strong emotion of anger she is releasing an emotional


storehouse of power. Now, the next thing that is taught in these Alpha-Male posturing courses is to


play with her emotions. That means starting to give her the attention she wants in a positive way, and


then act as if she doesn’t mean anything to you.


Doing that a few times and then making her go nuts with anticipation is the advice that is causing one


night stands, shame, and broken hearts.


Unlike other sex and intimacy products, I encourage every man, especially godly husbands to build


stronger character qualities and integrity so that trust can be built so that sexual and psychological


prowess can be used to lead wives into greater intimacy.


As a Godly man and loving husband you can live out a genuine life of integrity and leadership that


inspires her to see you for who you are. In her mind she will associate you with her own picture of


security and strength. You effectively make her associate her feelings of positive desire, attraction, and


love to what she sees when she pictures you in her mind.


Who said that women weren’t visually stimulated? It is just that the visualization is mostly


in her mind and imagination. Take hold of that as an opportunity to stimulate her sense of desire and


attraction for you.


Simply put, when you start to put on a front, stop, and just be yourself as you actively take on your




Your attitude when being yourself will be the thing that makes you being you the most that she could


ask for. A joyful spirit and willing attitude is the key to genuine attraction of her desire.


Humility creates the right frame of mind to have a joyful spirit and attitude. Jesus did so much for you


that sets humility in the heart of men. Being created in the image of God is the path to laying hold of


your nobility. The power to make this reality in your life is provided by the sanctifying power of the


Holy Spirit that is set in place at the time of regeneration and accepting the atoning work of Jesus on


your behalf to save you from your sins.


The way that you see yourself is important. This is the truth set forth in the Bible and it is there for you


to walk in. So abide in the power of sanctification that sets you free from sin and death. Pride is the


mark of sin, but humility cannot be faked in a relationship.


If you are humble then you are genuine. It is as simple as that.


Bet let’s take a step further. Does humility mean that you have to be a groveling, weakling that is


bossed around by his wife? Or, as some have termed it, “Being the nice guy.” The nice guy husband


gets no respect and he is seen as pathetic and weak in the eyes of his wife. Or so the psychology and


relationship gurus tell us.


This thinking totally discounts the reality of true relationship, give and take, and honoring your wife as


a gift from God above. Your role as her husband is to put her needs first, provide for her, protect her,


and to give of yourself even if that means giving your life for her.


That is not the MO of a nice guy. It is the way that a real man who loves Jesus first and his wife second


treats his wife, and loves her as a man of character and strength. God gave you hope in the form of the


gift of His Son Jesus Christ. There is no weakness in being a Son of God through the finished work of


Jesus. The same was true of Marius and same is true of you as well.


But your leadership has to be totally unselfish. It has to be totally loving and sacrificial for it to be true


love. Practicing this love as best you can is the strength of being her inspiration. Walk in humility,


meekness, and resolute dependability and trustworthiness that is as reliable as Jesus’s promises to you.


His promises are as sure in direction as the North Star, that is the leading of the Holy Spirit in your life.


Gather work from 1 Peter 3. 1-7.


3 Practical steps launching a vision statement plan


At least once a week start conversations with your wife by making “wouldn’t it be nice if…”


statements. See where it goes from there.


Start a game where you leave notes for her where she will readily find them, text her, or


send her emails where you ask her to describe what the world would be like if it were perfect


concerning every aspect of your marriage. The rest of the world can still be screwed up because


you will need things that are wrong, in which to apply your positive solutions. A Godly vision


for your family will affect positive progress and change for those problems… even if those


problems are within your own relationship together. But don’t let that limit your answers.


Also, consider highlighting all those things in your marriage that work well. Imagine how your


marriage would be if you lived those things together in the very best possible way. There are no


wrong answers here. Dream Big!


Collect all of her answers and do the same for you by honestly answering those questions


yourself. Next, go on a romantic date in which you pull all of these ideas together to come to a


consensus following the 3 actions steps from the last practical exercise and over time (or right


there on the spot) develop your very own vision statement for your marriage. You will get


better at incorporating your answers into a brief statement that represents your highest concept


of God’s plan for your life together.


Give it to God and He will work it out just right, in His timing… for His purposes. God makes a vision


given to you into His specific part of His whole plan with all other obedient Christians following God


in their lives. He will give wisdom to those who ask of Him so pray about your goals and seek His help


in writing them clearly. It is the first step toward God making them a reality in your marriage.


Ch 4: Secret #4 Magic Words that Mean Everything to Her… and


create physical intimacy


Let’s rewind for just a minute. Remember how I took my last day in the Army to climb Pike’s Peak. I


quickly mention a detail of that day that I want to now share with you.


Remember how I revealed an important detail about friend who climbed Pike’s Peak with me on that


last day in the Army for me? I remember like it was yesterday how the sun rose up high in the clear


Colorado sky as he and I sat on top of the world. Now was the time to end the loving long-distance


relationship I shared with Sarah in exchange for a real and intensely transformative close relationship.


On that sunny afternoon I wanted to look over all that I was leaving behind in the Army. I wanted to


look forward to all that I would be claiming in my life as I left behind the life that was my first real


taste of manhood. It was my best friend in the Army, SPC Moore, who climbed the 14k mountain with


me that day.


SPC Moore was a dry humored and quick witted Cavalry Honor Guard soldier who was biding his time


before he could get his paperwork straightened out to become Military Police, an MP. He taught me


some of the advanced communication and influence techniques that I will share with you.


Still, like Marius from Les Miserables demonstrated, when you do not have the right words to say…


say that you are at a loss for words. Transparency and sincerity will win the heart of your wife and


create intimacy.


Cosette respects Marius’ honesty and does not expect a great performance from him when she tells


him, “Then make no sound.”


Simply telling her that he “knew” that she was the one for him is simple openness at its best. With


every open statement he makes she counters him with something like, “I knew it too” to close the gap


in words between them. Everything makes sense in the dreamy moments they share together.


This is the classic romantic merging of two hearts to become one. He wins her heart simply by being


himself and admitting to his shortcomings in all honesty. That honesty is the cement that bonds their


hearts together


She is guarded by a protective father who hides from the law. And Marius, must choose to either sail


across to England to make her his wife, or fight for freedom with his brothers in arms.


Choose to make her love your cause. Marius chose to stay and fight. However, in the thick of the battle


with the Kings’ Army, he sends a farewell letter to Cosette’s father that declares his love for her.


Cosette’s father realizes that he can no longer keep them apart from each other and sets off for the


battle ground to rescue Marius and bring the wounded Marius to his daughter so they can marry.


Cosette’s father feels secure in leaving his daughter in the hands of this honorable man, Marius and


goes into hiding to escape the inspector that has hunted him for almost 20 years.


Every Godly wife is trying to protect herself in the same way that Cosette’s father tried to protect his


daughter. Once he realized that Marius was trustworthy, a man of character, and truly in love with his


daughter he did everything in his power to unite the two young lovers. Your wife is the same in that she


must guard her heart from being broken and keep herself from feeling used.


Find out what is on her mind and strip phrase probe


This first technique my friend taught me is not new to my “Love Your Wife as Christ Loved the


Church” members since I outlined it earlier in the “7 Husband Habit You Need to Know to Save Your


Marriage” video.


The police use the “Strip Phrase” technique very well to get all the facts from participants and


witnesses to an incident before making a decision on how to proceed with enforcing the law. I use this


in my marriage for two very good reasons.


When something is the matter in my relationship, I want to know exactly what I am dealing with and it


allows me to keep my mouth shut so she can get her emotions out in words without interruption.


You start with a simple question.


“How are you doing?”, or…


“Can you share with me how you are feeling right now?”


You patiently wait as she explains the answer to your question until she is completely done talking.


This was especially important for me to get right since Sarah definitely hates being interrupted when


she is sharing something that is important to her. And, I have had a bad habit of finishing the sentences


of others as they are talking. Youch!


That is a bad habit that I constantly work to get better at. Our first 2 years of marriage were a time of


growth for me in this area. I constantly tried to fix her and make her see me as a Mr. Fix it that had all


the answers. This did not go over well with her at all.


Mostly, women in general and Sarah is particular just want to be listened to, understood, empathized


with, and validated in how she feels about whatever is troubling her.


But getting back to the immediate topic at hand…


Finally, when she has totally spoken her peace and has nothing else to share, I do the strip phrase. It


goes something like this.


“So, let me see if I have understood what you have told me…”


Then I give her a complete run-down of everything she shared with me and make sure that I make it


clear to her what my impressions are concerning what she shared with me.


This technique sets the stage for sharing within proper relational boundaries and it assures Sarah that I


care to listen and respect her by letting her totally speak her peace on any subject.


Sometimes complete intimacy is established right from the get go with this technique. But, don’t stop


there. Push the limits of intimacy and wait to drive even greater intimacy, closeness, connection, and


harbor more sexual tension that will build and build until either of you can possibly stand it.


Dig Deep–Investigate


Know her girlhood upsets, fears, dreams, and pains


Come to touch those parts of her life. Deep in her soul. Cosette: Seemingly abandoned, destitute,


abused, slave labor, starved, driven into the dark cold woods and saved by Jean Val Jean. Marius must


have done this due to his love and devotion and honor.




Now is the perfect time to encourage her on the issues you uncovered and that she shares with you.


Compare her to beautiful things that she appreciates


Ask her if there is anything that you go on about that you could cut-out


Ask her to draw pictures of her best memories that meant the most to her-mind mapping




Be about something-Marius


Magic Words-subconscious tap into her desire and trust


Remove stressors and bad pressure-help her feel good feelings


Better than push-pull-play, be spontaneous, use intrigue and build anticipation


Relax her, but do not put her to sleep


Smooth Negotiator


There is no need to do hypnosis in order to influence your wife to want sex and intimacy. The path of


the “Yes” that hostage negotiators use is the only subtle influence that you need. It is simply based on


the wisdom of relationship, rapport, and framing a situation to reach the highest good for all involved.


Trusted leaders direct those they lead with this skill and you can too.


Compliance to the greater good for all is not a forced manipulation tactic. Negotiations fail depending


on how well the negotiator communicates and how unreasonable the other party is.


For most women, they do not want their husband to hijack their minds through hypnosis, but rather will


welcome positive communication and leadership influence over them.


Your goal is to effectively convince your wife to change her attitudes and behavior.


Ch 5: Secret #5 Stop and Create the Intimate Moment


The highest high yet in my relationship and marriage to Sarah was when we moved beyond needing to


talk to each other all the time in order to slip into intimacy together.


To quote Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys on their “Pet Sounds” song, “Don’t Talk (Put Your Head


On My Shoulder)”


“I can hear so much in your sighs


And I can see so much in your eyes


There are words we both could say


But don’t talk, put your head on my shoulder


Come close, close your eyes and be still


Don’t talk, take my hand and let me hear your heart beat


Being here with you feels so right


We could live forever tonight


Lets not think about tomorrow


And don’t talk put your head on my shoulder


Come close, close your eyes and be still


Don’t talk, take my hand and listen to my heart beat


Listen, listen, listen.


Don’t talk, put your head on my shoulder


Don’t talk, close your eyes and be still


Don’t talk, put your head on my shoulder


Don’t talk, close your eyes and be still


Don’t talk, put your head on my shoulder”


I would venture to guess that if Marius and Cosette were real people, they would say that their first


time really meeting each other was timeless and totally in the moment like this song expresses. I had


to learn to have my own discipline of being totally in the moment with Sarah as she shares something


important with me. Later I will talk a bit more on the meaning of and importance of creating intimate


moments that defy time and words.


The true physical sentiment of intimacy from Brian Wilson’s “Don’t Talk (Put Your Head On My




“don’t talk, take my hand and listen to my heart beat”. This is the hold me and I will know that


everything is OK sentiment that means so much to a woman.


A moment is crystallized forever in intimate touch that goes beyond mere words.


(REWRITE) –it’s when you know that one person so well; you don’t even need to talk to them. Their


eyes tell you everything that you want to know. You JUST know.


SCRAPE content on timing from “Intended for Pleasure”


Ch 6: Secret #6 Rouse her for intimacy by touching her


SCRAPE content on timing from “Intended for Pleasure”


Ch 7: Secret #7 Confidence that waits and doesn’t give up-And Wins!


Make or Take the Opportunity


SCRAPE content on timing from “Intended for Pleasrure”