What is great good pride in a family? Is there a kind of pride that should be considered harmful? Why is it best to stop pride dead in it’s tracks?
In my last bog post, I mention the fact that pride and joy is connected to going out of one’s way to make the special people in their lives feel celebrated with some kind of event. Why would I write a blog post about how to Stop Pride from ruining that kind of pride and joy?
The biggest lesson to take from this is the humility that comes in the form of listening more than talking.
With my new career in restaurant management, and as the marriage and family director at the family based restaurant, Haydee’s Puerto Rican Café in Hendersonville, NC I find myself listening to what the husbands, and wives that are our loyal friends say to me about their own lives. I stop my own pride from taking over and dominating the conversation.
I learned early on in my own marriage to stop trying to fix every problem that my wife, Sarah would share with me. That was due to listening to her tell me that trying to fix her problems, instead of just being there for her to share her feelings was infuriating her. All subsequent women that I have asked have confirmed this axiom of relationships.
“She don’t want to be fixed bro!”, is the sentiment they all share with me on that point.
Children HATE being lectured to. They just want to have their point of view and feelings on the matter heard. They feel secure when you as their parent set strong boundaries, and help them come to resolution.
The trouble comes when you are up against the clock and cannot do it properly. Just the other day I was listening to my son explain why he wanted to visit a friends house in the neighborhood this weekend, when he knows that we have to get to know and trust the family that he is visiting. Well, we only had a minute before the school bus was going to arrive and I had to explain the issues with why I couldn’t spend the whole day getting to know this new family.
I had 30 seconds to explain that the chores that needed to be done that weekend couldn’t be ignored and put off. That meant that the visit (if any) would be short and that longer visits had to be planned well advance in the future. He didn’t like it, but I struggled to keep my pride at bay in order to stop pride from alienating him from me.
I told him, “We can try to work it out as long as we schedule the chores too. I’m listening to you. Now listen to me. I will do the best I can. Let’s work this out later when we have more time.”
Making sure we take time to fully listen and repeat back to them the details that matter most so they know we are listening to them is important.
Use the “strip phrase” technique where you restate their position, saying, “Let me see if I understand you correctly,… You feel that such and such is fair and that you need to make more friends, and you feel that that is a priority. Am I correct?”
That is a real good way to keep both stress and pride at a minimum. Pride cares only for its own point of view and wants to dominate the relationship. Whether I am communicating with my wife, kids, friends, or loyal customers I have to stop pride dead in its tracks and fully listen, connect, and advance the relationship well into the future. I hope this blog post in follow up with yesterday’s blog post on “Pride and Joy” helps you accomplish that same goal.
Please, leave a comment on your thoughts and suggestions about stopping pride so I can listen to you with all sincerity and humility as well!