Many couples cite a lack of “intimacy” in their marriage as a reason for being unhappy. For guys, “intimacy” is physical. For women, it is almost always emotional.
Let’s face it -true intimacy in marriage is both physical and emotional. You have to connect with your partner on every level if you expect your marriage to be strong.
Here are 3 tips that you can use:
Tip #1: Appreciate Your Spouse
Write down every reason you fell in love. Write down every passionate moment you can remember — physical and emotional.
Now in another column write down what’s bothering you. You alone. Draw a line and write down what’s bother “us”. Get it all out there. Empty your mind and your heart.
You have to find a way to get from “here” to “there.” Writing everything down helps get it out in the open and gives you the space to focus on what you want and remember the passionate moments you’ve shared with your spouse.
Finally — and this is the hard part — rip the page in half and choose to only focus on why you fell in love. This has to be your choice. The problems won’t go away. There is still tons of work to do. But for the moment, choose to focus on the love and passion you had.
Do this everyday for a few minutes.
Tip #2: Invest More Energy
In poker there is an expression: “all in.” It means that you bet all your chips and call your opponent. It is the ultimate expression of nakedness in a game built on lies.
You have to be “all in” with your spouse. You have to be “all in” with your family. Physically, you have to let yourself be consumed by your spouse. You have to lose yourself in them. Emotionally it means much the same thing. You have to put them first. You need to connect with their emotions and let that guide you.
This is especially true during two important times:
- During lovemaking. You can’t let your mind wander and your interest wane. Being “all in” means letting your physical connection take a life of its own.
- During emotional heart to hearts. You have to look at your spouse. Communicate your feelings with honesty and truth. You can be emotional but you can’t let negative emotions rule everything you say.
Tip #3: The Path Is More Important Than The Destination
Do not rush to get into bed and have sex. Do not think that one night of passion makes everything fine. It doesn’t.
There is a danger in being too “goal oriented” here and obsessing about the sex or obsessing about whether “he gets me.” You will just set yourself up for failure.
Instead, take baby steps. Hold hands on a walk. Have a night alone without the kids and talk, laugh, and enjoy one another’s company. Give a good shoulder or foot rub. And that’s it.
It seems strange but delaying your passion and emotional connection now helps. Let your feels build up inside. You should almost feel like you are going to explode. This builds trust. It puts money back in the “emotional bank account” that you can spend another day.
Remember, the goal isn’t a one night stand. The goal isn’t an emotional crying session. You are trying to rebuild trust and intimacy in your marriage. You are in this for the long haul and you need to build the habit of investing in one another.
More Advice About Intimacy In Marriage
Recapturing the love and connection you once had takes time and hard work. But it is worth it. You have to choose every day to make the investment in your spouse.
If you need more help that these 3 little tips, turn to Oprah’s own “love expert” — Michael Webb. His “500 Lovemaking Secrets” book is an international bestseller and gives you everything you need to bring the passion and intimacy back.